What's a nin to do?
by Illegitimi
Summary: Just a little bit of silliness with Ayumu, Ibiki, and Gai. A one-shot side fic to The Hidden Life of Morino Ibiki.


disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the characters contained therein, they belong to Masashi Kishimoto who is kind enough to let fans write fiction. I make no profit from this nor do I intend to.

**A/N:** This is a little something for all the Gai-girls out there. Are there any? Well, I've always thought that he was kind of a predator posing as a house pet myself. I think that he has many hidden depths and psychosis to his personality that few delve into. Maybe there is a reason why?

**What's a nin to do?**

**Somewhere in Konoha**

Maito Gai had a small but humble home set in a quiet neighborhood in the center of Konoha. He had lived there for a while now, but had all of a sudden decided for some strange reason to ask Ayumu's help in picking out colors for it. Ayumu had been stunned but flattered, as this really wasn't like her usual, paid commission. But money was money, and far be it from her to turn down an easy job. So after getting his note and setting up time with him she had met him at his home. When she had first taken a look at it she had suddenly realized how her own home was a palace in comparison to his. If her home needed a few repairs his was just short of being bulldozed. She thought that it was being held together by the old paint job, and whom ever he would find to paint it would have to hold their breath through the whole ordeal.

Ayumu looked at the house critically. It really had a lot of potential though. If you stripped it down and gave it the right colors it would look..._cute_. Yes! It could be _darling_ in fact. She looked at Gai who was waiving his hands in the air ebulliently and making motions as to what he was thinking of doing with it, and she couldn't help but be caught up in his excitement. She understood that completely. As much as her own home sometimes gave her a head ache or two it was fun to see the potential in things, and especially when no one else thought the project worth their time or effort. Just like Ibiki. He certainly was a project, but a satisfying one at that she had to conclude.

She looked over at Gai and she couldn't help but like the guy. He was just so effervescent and full of energy. He reminded her of a big kid. A big kid in a shiny green jumpsuit and bowl haircut that is...Grief, he needed someone to take him shopping, and quick. Not only that he needed someone to take him to a salon and get rid of that _horrendous_ haircut as well. She looked at him and thought how she would proceed...First, she would get rid of the polyester. Burn it, if that was possible. If he had to stick with green (and she thought that green definatly was his signature color) then it would be a more olive green with brown and maybe a dash of deep purple or wine red. What was it with nins and their need for monochrome? Couldn't they add just a _hint_ of secondary color? No, it seemed...They all wore black and khaki. Khaki and black. Or in Ibiki's sphere it was just black and black. That was fine, but didn't they have a need for individuality? They_ must_ want to wear bright colors occasionally, didn't they? How could they sleep at night not having any colors around them? She shivered. If she couldn't have her jewel tones surrounding her then she felt stifled and claustrophobic. Secondly, a good, _long_ spa trip would be in order. Get that hair under _control_! Cut it, mousse it, and then shape it into something respectable. Maybe even a mud wrap. Definatly a waxing was in quick order. Did he have two caterpillars living on his face? Heavens...if his eye brows were any indication of the rest of him a _whole body_ waxing would be needed. Ayumu shuddered again. The poor bastard... Well, luckily for him she had her come to his rescue. She smiled slyly at him._ Gai my man, this is your lucky day. Your own, personal search and rescue team has arrived,_ she thought with pleasure.

But back to business. Gai wanted help picking out colors, then so be it. Besides, he was a nice enough man, and no matter how much Ibiki grumbled about him. When Gai had first approached her he had been very hesitant. He said that he didn't want to upset Morino-san anymore. Anymore? How could such a sweet natured and simple man be a bother? Gai had even gone into this hair-raising tale about how Ibiki had thrown a chair at him not too long ago at a meeting they had both attended at the Hokage's. Ayumu's eyes had gone wide in mortification. What would _posses_ Ibiki to throw a chair at the man? Even if he was upset at Gai she couldn't see any need to throw furniture around. She had apologized for Ibiki and made some lame excuse about how maybe Ibiki had been constipated or something, and that might account for his unusually foul mood.. Either way Ayumu thought that if Ibiki did things like that on a regular basis then maybe his reputation was well deserved after all...

"Now Maito-san, what colors were you thinking about? I think that maybe a sage green with chocolate and burgundy trim might seem to suit your personality. I think that the green represents your personal preference for the color as well as a tribute to your profession, and the wine and chocolate might describe your warmth and dedication."

Gai smiled so brightly that Ayumu thought that she could count each, and every tooth. He nodded so vigorously that his excitement and enthusiasm were charming. He really was like a big kid. She just couldn't understand why more people didn't liked him. As Ibiki had thought Gai a pain in the ass, Genma had called Gai a sexless creep. Iruka had told her and Yuzuki one time that he thought Gai was just plain all around abnormal. What were their problems? Wasn't Maito-san also one of Konoha's strongest nins? Didn't this man protect her and everyone else as well as any other Jounin? It had to be that maybe they were _jealous_ of him some how? He had been nothing short of a gentleman with her, and more importantly she had never caught him eying her or even a hint of flirting. Maybe he was just gay? Of course living with and around Hiroshi she knew all about that life style, and with Gai she really didn't get any pings. So maybe that wasn't it. Maybe he was asexual. Maybe he just didn't have the drive in him. Even that was ok. Sex wasn't everything. Well...she rescinded _that one_ fast...Sex _was_ everything with Ibiki, and maybe she was glad that Gai wasn't gay because if he was then Ibiki would definatly be his type. As far as she was concerned Ibiki was everyone's type. Hmm...

"Please Tanaka-san, please call me Gai. And if I may, I would like to call you Ayumu," Gai said almost shyly.

Ayumu smiled warmly and nodded, "Of course Gai, and please do call me Ayumu. Now, about the colors?"

"How much youthful exuberance you have Ayumu! I can't tell you how to me you seem the epitome of feminine grace, talent, and youthfulness!" Gai laughed fully and nodded.

Ayumu blushed and gripped her bag in embarrassment. "Gai is way too kind. I have very little grace, only mediocre talent, and twenty-five isn't exactly youthful."

"Oh, but you are! Everything about you is graceful and womanly! Your shiny curls bouncing and blowing around exude artistic grace and femininity. Your talent is beyond compare, and twenty-five is _barely_ at the peak of youth! You truly are a picture, perfect package!" He smiled and held his thumbs up in a gesture of positivity.

Ayumu had never had anyone, let alone another man ever pay her such flowery comments. It really was all too funny. She couldn't help but laugh and roll her eyes dramatically. "You are very kind Gai, but back to the paint?"

Gai nodded so vigorously that Ayumu thought that his head would come off his neck. He looked like a bobble-head and Ayumu had to stifle a laugh at the mental picture comparison.

"I want my house to show that a man who is mentally younger then springtime lives here, and as I truly have a high regard for your opinion I have none the less decided to have the colors of pink, yellow, and light blue. They represent to me the coming dawn of a new day!" he crowed happily.

Ayumu now had to stifle back a gag reflex. Dear God's above...pink, yellow, and light blue? Was he kidding? In no way did those colors either go together or represent the man or dawn's early light. She had to stop this ship from going down, and fast.

"Gai, maybe those colors might not be the best combinations. I understand the theory behind them, but if you want something to signify dawn's light then how about medium to dark blue with maybe mauve and a hint of green? Or maybe deep rose with bluish-green midnight blue? Or maybe-"

"Pink. Yellow. Baby blue," Gai said stubbornly.

Ayumu looked at him square in the eyes. "Gai, do you want my _true_ opinion on that color combination?"

"Of course! That is why I am paying you and why we are here!"

Ayumu leaned forward a bit. "The colors of pink, yellow, and light blue will look ridiculous at best and stomach turning at worst," she said seriously.

Gai looked astounded. "_No_! _Really_?_ Honest?_"

Ayumu nodded. "Yes Gai, _honest_. Maybe, _just maybe_ you might get away with that in Hiraku, but outside in the general village area? You'll be stoned out of the neighborhood," Ayumu said looking around at his neighbor's homes. All were sedately on or two colors. Most blended in with their trees and lawns. She didn't agree with the lack of imagination on his neighbor's part, but one did have to have situational awareness after all.

Gai looked crestfallen, and so much so that Ayumu put a consoling hand on the man's arm.

"What colors are yours and Ibiki's houses?"

"Well, my house is in the process of being a base of royal purple with fiery amber and wine red trim. Ibiki though lives in a house that is mauve with green and black trim. But we live in Hiraku remember, artists need to have a lot of color around them. It is expected of us."

Gai looked at Ayumu with wonder. "_Morino_ lives in a _pink_ house?"

"No, it is _mauve_. Mauve is a dark and dusky rose color."

Gai got this funny look on his face. "No, it's_ pink_ when all is said and done..." he grinned.

Ayumu nodded. "Uh-huh, and you be sure to tell Ibiki that when you get the chance," Ayumu said with a raised brow. _Yeah, you go tell Ibiki, and in front of other people that he lives in a pink house and you won't find a chair thrown at you...you'll find it shoved up your ass,_ she thought with amusement.

Gai must have thought the same thing because he became quiet all of a sudden. He turned back to his humble abode and looked at it with consternation and deep concentration. He looked down at the ground in a petulant manner, and toes some dirt around. He looked back up at Ayumu with the saddest face.

"Can I ask you another serious question?"

Ayumu smiled warmly and nodded. Gai was biting his lip and appeared as if he seemed reluctant for some reason. "Go a head Gai, ask me anything. The very least I'll say is: I don't know. It's what I tell my students all the time."

"Well...if it was up to you...what else of mine would you change?"

Ayumu raised both brows clear up into her forehead. My, where did _that_ come from? And what did he mean by it? She shifted her bag on her shoulder and cocked her head to the side.

"I'm sorry Gai, but I'm not too sure what you mean by that...Be more specific please."

Gai looked down at himself and pulled absently at his green attire. "If I was your boyfriend, how would _you _want_ me_ to look?"

Ayumu beat down the wave of shame that she felt at her previous assessment of his physical character. She was no better then everyone else when it came to judging this man's outward appearance. She should _know_ better...How could she do such a thing, and especially when she as well as Ibiki had both been at the receiving end of such thoughts

Ayumu suddenly and sweetly smiled in understanding. The man was _lonely_, that's all. People were making fun of a lonely man. How cruel was _that_? Ayumu on the spur of the moment hugged Gai and patted him on his back. Gai was so surprised that he didn't even get a chance to put his arms around her before she pulled back and away.

"Gai, don't you _dare _change a thing about you! And I mean that seriously. Any woman, or man that really and truly falls in love with you only does so because of how you are this very minute. If they want to change you somehow into something that you aren't then they really don't deserve such a sweet man like yourself in the first place."

Gai blushed crimson. He shrugged his shoulders and looked back at his house. He tried to brush it off as being unmanly somehow, but his pleasure at her words couldn't all together be contained. Suddenly he looked at Ayumu with such sadness in his eyes that she took a step forward in reaction.

"But Ayumu, sometimes I just wish..." He didn't finish the sentence, and just let it trail off.

"I understand Gai, I honestly do. For a long time I too thought the same way, and after a while I just thought: the Hell with it. And I went on my not-always- merry way. I just decided that maybe I just wasn't cut out for having a boyfriend, or that maybe there really wasn't anyone out there for me. I thought that old saying: there is someone for everyone just didn't apply to me for some reason. So I stopped looking and I stopped hoping. I just did what I had to do and tried to be happy with all the things that I did have: a few very close friends, the best students in all of Hiraku, and my art. When I realized that I had more then most people I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to appreciate my good fortune."

Gai nodded but shame could be seen written across his face. And she understood that as well...

"There is no shame in wanting a partner, Gai. Humans are built with that inherent design. No matter how much we say or even like being alone we still have that deep and primal urge to every once in a while need that close, physical, and human contact. We are very tactile creatures Gai, and we just aren't at our happiest all alone."

Gai nodded again.

"But don't run out and try and force something. _That_ only ends in trouble. _Trust me _on that one...I know. But it is funny though, when you stop looking and forget about it somehow, _someone_ ends up finding _you_."

Gai suddenly brightened up. He nodded and with a great intake of air his youthful exuberance came rushing back. "You're right, Ayumu! Out there and just waiting to _find me_ is some lucky lady! And she doesn't even know it, poor thing..." He shook his head sadly now not at himself but at some poor girl who was unhappy and just didn't seem to know it or what she was missing. "Yes! I shall continue with my life as planned, and when she _does_ find me I will be _ready_ for her!"

Gai smiled his toothy grin and gave Ayumu two, thumbs up.

Ayumu started to giggle, and seeing his abrupt change in attitude she couldn't help but start to laugh. "Come on Gai, let's go inside and see what you have in store for me there..."

"Oh you bet! Just you wait and see what awaits you in my _manly abode_..."

The two grinned widely at each other and walked together into said abode.

_**ANBU**_

Ibiki and Anko were walking out of ANBU for the day when they met Genma sitting down on one of the lower steps. When he saw Anko he smiled and stood up, brushing the dirt off his backside.

Anko squealed happily and threw herself down the stairs and into Genma's arms. Luckily Genma was used to such antics so he was ready for it and he easily caught her. He swung her around and planted a long, deep, and passionate kiss on Anko's mouth.

Ibiki rolled his eyes and scowled. "Very professional Anko," Ibiki mumbled.

When Genma and Anko came up for air he winked at Anko and looked at Ibiki with amusement. "You're just _jealous_...You're just jealous because Ayumu is on a _date_," he said laconically.

Anko looked at Genma with warning. Will he_ never_ learn?

Ibiki stopped next to Genma and cocked his head to the side. "Oh? And with whom is she on this make-believe date with?"

Genma looked pleasantly surprised. "Oh? _You didn't know?_ I thought of all people that _you_ would know..." He looked at Anko and nuzzled behind her ear, and seemed to whisper something to her.

Whatever it was made Anko's eyes go wide and a look of glee spread madly across her face. She looked to Ibiki with a sly smile. She chuckled with Genma about his news.

Ibiki sighed. _What assholes_, he thought. _Whatever..._

"Honest Ibiki, _you didn't know_? I thought for sure that you kept pretty good tabs on Ayumu..._How funny_..." Genma smiled a Cheshire cat grin and pinched Anko's backside. She giggled and smacked Genma on the arm playfully.

Ibiki looked at Genma with growing irritation. "No, she isn't five you know."

"Well of course she isn't, but isn't that all the more reason to keep watch? And besides, being on a date with_ him_ can't bode too well..." Genma said frowning.

Ibiki stood towering over Genma and Anko and placed his hands in his pockets. He was quickly loosing his humor and interest in their childish games. He shrugged and started walking past them when Genma started chuckling lowly.

"Well, if _you_ aren't concerned with _Ayumu_ being out with _Gai_ then far be it from_ me _to get involved. He has been all hot and bothered _for days_ about their date together this afternoon..."

Ibiki stopped but didn't turn around. The two could see the muscles bunching under his shirt. He was all knotted tension and swiftly growing anger.

Ibiki spoke quietly. "Gai and Ayumu?" He turned around and looked at the two with a deadly look. "_Where_?" He growled out.

"Why, at _his house_ of course," Genma supplied happily.

Ibiki nodded, turned aback around, and started walking purposefully away.

Anko poked Genma in the stomach and shook her head. "Now you've gone and done it. That man is on the prowl, looking for blood, and Gai's skin will be on his office wall before sun down," Anko giggled.

"Uh-huh," he chimed in just as happily. "Serves the bastard right," he said, and not expounding on which bastard he thought deserved the punishment.

Anko's eyes flared to life. "I like it when you are _bad_," she purred.

Genma nodded sagely. "Yup, and let me show you just _how bad_ I can be..." he said as he squeezed her backside.

Anko threw her head back and wrapped an arm around his waist, and the two sauntered happily away and content in their mischief over Ibiki.

_**Ibiki**_

The look on Ibiki's face was thunderous to say the least. He was steaming mad, but not at Ayumu- at Gai. He had no idea how the man had finally gotten his hooks into Ayu. He _should_ have seen it coming... The_ drool fest_ that Gai held over Ayumu when she was working on the bath house mural should have clued him in. The man flaunted and flirted with her without shame, and Ayu just wasn't experienced enough to have noticed it.

_That cock sucking, rat-assed, pedophile, bastard!_ Ibiki fumed. _He __**knows**__ that he and Ayu are together, and he is trying to pull some run-around on him? Him?! With her? Has he lost his fucking mind? What the fuck can he want with her? And who the fuck is he to be running around and acting all hot and bothered about being with Ayu? __**That fucktard!**__ He is probably this very minute eying 'my girls' and trying to figure out a way to get his hands on them...Didn't I already tell him once that he was to lay off her? What the fuck...wasn't a chair up side his head not enough? Now he'll get one up his ass..._

Ibiki moved through the crowds like a shark smelling blood. His fierce visage caused more then one or two people to move hastily out of his way. He knew where Gai lived, and if he found Ayu trying to beat her way free from him then all hell was going to break loose. Fuck the Hokage. Gai only really had one student, and the kid would just have to find another teacher because by the time he was done beating Gai into a coma the man would be useless for ever more.

_Fuck the bastard! I just knew that something like this would happen. And fuck Shiranui as well! The bastard clearly knew about this and let Ayu walk into a lions den like the unsuspecting lamb that she is. He would beat Shiranui as well. Anko would just have to find herself another fuck buddy...Too bad, so sad. _

When Ibiki got to Gai's neighborhood he didn't even have to pause. He knew exactly where he was going. When he turned a corner the last thing that he saw was Gai leading Ayumu into his home. The last thing he heard was loud laughter coming from the two. _Oh hell no..._

_**Gai and Ayumu**_

When Ayumu entered Gai's home she looked around with wonder. It looked like a hundred year old monk lived there. It was sparkling neat and very, very austere in its make up. What the hell...did he really live here, and like this? There was very little warmth or personality anywhere. Very few pictures graced the wall, and very little furniture could be seen. It was as if he was trying to live the life of an austere.

"Gai, do you.._.live_ here? Or have you not moved in all your things yet," Ayumu said trying to smile. "I know that moving is such a pain, and it seems to take forever..."

Gai looked at Ayumu with surprise. "No! I've lived here _for years_ it seems. I believe that living economically is good for one's self control and training! Having too many things around you clutters up one's Chi and hampers your ability to function properly." He stood straight and proud. "By not allowing myself to have too many personal things around me I adhere to my strict code of living simply and simple living."

"Gai, that make _no sense_...No sense what so ever! If you don't enjoy life and everything that it brings how can you give it the credit that it deserves? Or yourself for that matter! There are so many bright and beautiful things in Konoha to appreciate, and you should surround yourself with them on a daily basis. Besides," she said giving him a sardonic look, "if you don't bolster the economy by buying from local artist then how the heck are we supposed to make a living and eat?"

Gai smiled and shook his head as if he was trying to explain something way beyond her ken. "Ayumu, you have to understand something: I am not like everyone else. I am one of a kind. I am like a _forest warrior_ whose only goal is to train and become stronger!" He puffed his chest out and flexed his muscles.

"You're like a _forest idiot_ who doesn't know any better if you ask me," she said looking at him with doubt.

"_What_?! I am a _warrior_ tried and true! And one who is in tune with his manly instincts and who knows-"

"That he's about to _die_ any minute," came the finished reply from behind them.

Ayumu turned around and blinked rapidly. There stood Ibiki in the doorway, and not looking too...pleased...

"Ibiki? What are _you_ doing here? How did _you _know where I would be?"

Ibiki shut the door behind him with a sneer. His attention was totally on Gai. "Ayu honey, please wait outside- this should just take a moment..." Ibiki said slowly stalking towards Gai, and who was now looking at Ibiki with confusion and a good deal of wariness.

"_I beg your pardon_? What is this all about Ibiki?" Ayumu blocked Ibiki's path and put a hand up on his chest. He had this look in his eyes, and she just knew that it spelled trouble. She didn't trust him as far as she could throw him, and that wasn't far by any means. She could just see the wheels and cogs spinning madly in that brain of his. What was going on?!

Ibiki didn't even look down at her. His gaze was trained fully upon Gai.

Gai who was now in a semi-crouched fighting stance.

Ayumu looked behind her and on seeing Gai's readiness her eyes became wide as saucers.

"_Oh no you two don't_! What in the name of all that's holy are you two thinking! Ibiki?_ Ibiki_!"

Ibiki smiled a shark's smile and slowly took his coat off and threw it off to the side. His gloves followed. "Come on Maito...I've about had enough of your smarmy comments and lusting after Ayu. Let's finish this once and for all," Ibiki said quietly.

"Fine by me Morino, though I'm not quite sure what this is all about. Either way, I owe you for that chair the other day..." Gai said with his own sneer on his face. His happy-go-lucky personality was now gone, and in its place was a man fully focused on his quarry before him.

Ayumu looked at Gai with incredulity.

"Look it you two Neanderthals...I said stop it and _I mean stop it_. Right. Now..." Ayumu was getting incensed. She had no idea what started this whole cock fight. But what ever it was meant nothing to her. She was going to end it.

Ayumu suddenly squealed as Ibiki bodily picked her up, turned her around, and shuffled her off to the side. When she turned around and ready to give Ibiki a piece of her mind she was met by two wary predators circling each other. She stood there speechless. She couldn't help but be totally fascinated and enthralled.

She had never seen Ibiki fight. She had always known how beautiful and deadly a fighter he must be, but she had never seen it in person. As Ibiki circled Gai she saw all his muscles bunch and loosen in fluid and graceful undulations. His posture was defensive but aggressively dominant all at once. Ayumu thought that she had never seen such an incredibly sexy thing in her entire life. She unconsciously licked her lips to moisten them.. Just as she was about to take a step forward both men lunged at each other. Ayumu stiffened in surprise and fear.

Gai and Ibiki were locked together and starting to pummel each other mercilessly. The sound of hard, strong fists hitting flesh resounded through the empty home. Grunts and snarls soon followed as well as angry words.

Ibiki punched Gai with a sharp left-handed jab to the face. "You shit! What did I tell you?!"

Gai responded with a strong round house kick to Ibiki's chest, and causing him to stagger backwards slightly. "You're fucking out of your mind, you know that Ibiki?!"

They threw each other and themselves across the living room. Each man took a turn getting thrown into a wall and leaving a trail of plaster and a dent in their wake. By this time both men were covered in dust, bits of paint, and a small, smattering of blood from cuts. Neither listened to her yells of telling them to stop.

Ayumu was really starting to loose her fascination with these two dominant alphas. It was now getting out of hand and it was time that she stepped forward and put them both in their rightful place. Ayumu rolled up her sleeves and took a good, steady grip on her hand bag. When they moved closer to her during their man-wrestling, grappling game she braced herself and swung her bag a few times in a wide circle by her side. With a snarl and a curse she let it fly and with some sort of luck ended up hitting them both at the same time on the sides of their heads.

Unfortunately the one hit didn't seem to make any dent as they didn't even pause in their fight. Ayumu didn't even think that they had even felt it as neither even spared her a single glance or slow down in the slightest. So it would take a few more beatings on her part. Fine. So be it. With her own deadly determination Ayumu followed them during their pugilistic encounter.

"Stop it! Both of you, and right now!" _Smack_. "Did you hear me?" _Smack_. "Do I need to _really_ beat your dumb asses?!" _Smack_. "I said stop it, and right now!" _Smack_. Ayumu gave a shrill cry of feminine outrage. "_You bastards_! You broke my favorite bag! _I'll kill you both_ for that you shit heads!"

Ayumu threw the broken bag off to the side and threw herself blindly and bodily at the two men. She had no clue as to who she was really going for. She just threw herself between them and started to kick and punch at whatever body part was closest and easiest to reach. She even wasn't beyond pulling hair (only could have been Gai's) or trying to throw a kick or two into a crotch.

Suddenly Ayumu was hauled up and away, and when she looked at who held her she was met by a scowling Ibiki. He shook her once, twice, and then a third time by the scruff like one would do to a bad puppy. He was breathing hard and a combination of blood and sweat was dripping down his face, but he seemed not to notice or care.

"What the fuck is your _problem_, woman?"

Ayumu kicked out at him and tried to take a swing at him, but he held her far enough away from him that both never hit their mark. "_You two_ are my problem! What the hell are you two thinking?! And another thing: _put me down_! Now!"

Ibiki gave her another shake for good measure but put her down anyway. He stared down at her and the wild look in his eyes made her spine stiffen, but she never felt afraid for her safety. This was Ibiki, and no matter how mad he was or caught in some sort of blood lust he would never hurt her. Ever.

Ayumu brushed herself off with dignity and turned to scowl at the two men. When she looked back at Gai he seemed just as worse for wear as Ibiki. His clothing was ripped and torn, and blood also could be seen from a cut over his right eye. She shook her head and looked from one to the other.

"You _idiots_...What _possessed_ you? I swear, you two are worse then my own boys, and they are _teenagers_. You two are acting like infants! Now step back and tell me what this is all about." Ayumu gave them both an evil eye.

"I _said_ step back. _Now_," she purred out nastily when neither did as she asked.

Both men grunted or chuffed out in bruised, male anger, but did as she asked.

Ayumu nodded with satisfaction. She turned to Ibiki and with her arms crossed under her breasts and with a raised brow she looked to him first.

"Now Ibiki, why don't you tell me why you burst in here and looking purposefully to pick a fight?"

Ibiki looked over her head at Gai and narrowed his eyes. "_I told you_ Maito about staying away from Ayumu. _I told you_ that your interest was not warranted, and what do I find? You sniffing around her and trying to poach on _my territory_..."

Ayumu's eyes widened in surprise. "Sniffing around me? Poaching?" Ayumu walked up to Ibiki and softly to the front of his shirt in her hands. "Ibiki, he wasn't trying to put the moves on me any such thing. He is paying me to help him redecorate his house."

Ibiki still kept his eyes on Maito, but a hand came up to gently wrap around one of hers. He growled menacingly at his rival but a thumb brushed gently across her hand. Another hand reached out and pulled Ayumu fully against him. The arms wound its way tightly around her and her place against him was secure and unmoving.

"That was just a _ploy_ Ayu...His _real_ intentions were made not too long ago, and in front of me no less."

Ayumu turned her head towards Gai. "Gai, tell him that you had no such intentions...Tell him the truth: that you wanted me to redecorate your home."

Gai relaxed and wiped the blood that was trickling into his eye. He nodded and shook out a fist. He hissed at the sting. "Ayumu is right Morino. All I did was ask her to come over and take a look and see what could be done." Suddenly he stood up up straight and with an affronted look on his face. "I would _never_ try and take another man's woman. How cowardly and unchivalrous! Only the lowest of the low would do such a wretched thing..."

Ibiki relaxed slightly. Gai might be freak in green, but he was a truthful freak in green. If he said that he wasn't after Ayumu like that then he had no choice but to believe him. _But still_...

Ibiki narrowed his eyes at Gai. "What about all that bullshit you were spouting during that meeting? You almost drowned in your own drool...It was _disgusting_."

Ayumu turned her face into Ibiki's chest in order to hide her smile. Poor Ibiki. It felt so good to know that Ibiki could get jealous as well. After having to put up with all her jealousy over Anko it was so satisfying to know that Ibiki could harbor the same feelings. She sighed happily and nuzzled her face into his chest.

Ibiki nudged her with a pectoral muscle. "Hey you...What are _you_ so suddenly happy about? Back there I thought that you were going to come unglued or have some sort of apoleptic or epileptic fit..."

Ayumu rested her chin against him and looked up at him with a gloriously happy look. She turned her face and rubbed her cheek indulgently against him. She placed a kiss lovingly against his shirt front and smiled almost dreamily at him. "You're the _best_ Ibiki." Suddenly she frowned and looked from him to Gai. She tried to wiggle around in Ibiki's grasp but he was still holding on to her tightly. She gave up but she wasn't going to forget...

"You two _both_ owe me a bag. I broke my bag trying to beat some sense into your neolithic noggins... And for that I'll be sending you _both_ a bill, and from one of Konoha's premier purse stores, so start saving up. I intend to put a gianormous dent into both your pocket books."

Gai laughed, but it was nervous laugh. He scrubbed his hand over the top of his head and looked at Ibiki with uncertainty. He caught Ibiki rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

Ayumu gave them both an eye. "Laugh it up you two cheapskate morons. I'll just make you suffer all the more." She looked at her sadly broken purse that was laying off to the side. She sighed regretfully. "And I _loved_ that bag...It was my all-time favorite."

"I thought _I_ was your all-time favorite," Ibiki said trying to get her attention away from the broken-down beating bag.

"_Nothing_ can replace a good bag Ibiki. It just can't be done," she quipped.

Ibiki started to chuckle and he leaned down and placed a passionate kiss on her mouth and a bold squeeze on her backside. Ayumu's hands instinctively curled around his neck and the back of his head. As he kissed her soundly he slowly opened his eyes and stared straight at Gai. He narrowed his eyes and never broke contact. His attention was brought suddenly back to Ayumu as he was smacked soundly up side his head. When he pulled back and looked down at her he was met by fiery, amber eyes.

"Hey, when you kiss me, _you kiss me_. Not_ him_..."

Ibiki quickly pulled back with a scowl. It deepened when he heard Gai snicker at him.

"Hnn."

Before he could get any more disgruntled Ayumu tapped him on the chest with the back of her hand. "Come on lover, let's get you two and this place cleaned up." She looked around with a jaundiced eye at the result of their mayhem. "Honestly, two grown men and _look_ at this place..."

Ayumu disengaged herself from Ibiki and went in the direction that she thought that the kitchen would be in. They could hear her mumble angrily to herself. Neither man made a move or said a word to each other. They just watched each other quietly and still with suspicion. Suddenly a shrill scream was heard from the direction of the kitchen, and both men instinctively made to reach the owner of it. But when they heard her next exclamation they stopped dead in their tracks in apprehension.

"You _bastards_! You made me break a nail as well! I just had a manicure this morning! What _the_ _fuck_ do you think I'm made of? _Money_?! Add a _manicure_ to the bill as well..." Poundings and even something heavy being thrown could be heard very clearly.

Gai looked at Ibiki with sympathy. "She's...she's got a_ temper_, doesn't she?" He laughed nervously.

Ibiki looked at Gai with his first smile ever for the other man. He nodded and placed his hands in his pockets. "Oh yeah...but I like to think of it as being _feisty_ instead. She certainly isn't for the faint of heart, I'll give you that, but that is why she has _me,_" he said with a warning look.

Gai sighed. Morino was a twisted bastard, but clearly a twisted and territorial bastard who was i_n love_... How spectacular! How youthful! He was just about to smack Ibiki happily on the back when he caught the other man's look of blatant warning. Oh. Well, Morino got the point. He looked at the other man surreptitiously as he lounged against a wall and waiting patiently for Ayumu to reappear. His head was bowed down but every time they heard a grunt or growl emminating from the kitchen it caused a smile to appear on Ibiki's face. One time after a particularly rough and blistering epitaph directed at their manhood Ibiki chuckled lowly and affectionately. Gai suddenly found the other man looking at him with mild good humor.

"You are really going to have your hands full trying to make up for this. I almost feel sorry for you..."

Ibiki grinned widely. "Hmm...but that's half the fun- having _my hands full_ with her that is. Fear not, I know exactly how to stroke her so that her fur falls back in place." Ibiki's eyes suddenly became serious. "No need for _you_ to be concerned..."

Gai raised his hands in front of him and waived them madly. "No, no! That isn't it at all! It's just that..." He looked down and sighed unhappily. "It's just that it must be nice to have someone so concerned for your welfare. Even someone to _fight_ with..."

Ibiki suddenly felt uncomfortable. Was the man trying to bond with him? How revolting...But still...He felt for him, as he once felt the same way in part. Ibiki raised a hand to his face and momentarily covered his eyes. He just knew that he would regret this later, but for now?

"Don't worry Maito...somewhere out there is some scary lady just lying in wait to get her claws into you. You might have to wait for her to reach parole, but eventually she'll be released..."

Gai must not have comprehended what really Ibiki said because he suddenly looked at the other man with unshed tears in his eyes. "_Really_?! Do you think so?"

Ibiki let the side of his mouth curl up slightly. "Uh-huh. The prisons are _filled_ with them."

Gai suddenly seemed lost in his own, little dream world. His face took on a dreamy and hopeful look. "_Yes_..."

A cold cloth was suddenly slapped into his chest, and he caught it deftly before it fell to the ground. Ayumu handed the other to Gai and looked at Ibiki with a wry grin. She shook her head and reached up to wipe a dried crust of blood from his cheek.

"Honestly Ibiki...What am I going to do with you...I don't know who is worse sometimes- you or Ryou..."

Ibiki cleaned his face and threw the dirty cloth onto Gai's head. He wrapped an arm around Ayumu's waist and after grabbing her broken bag he started to steer her out towards the front door. Before he could get her all the way out of the house Ayumu called back over her shoulder at the still day dreaming nin.

"Gai! Don't forget the colors that we picked out! And if you need help shopping for them just give me a call! Bye-!"

As they walked down the street hand in hand Ayumu looked up at Ibiki and chuckled. "Really Ibiki, you certainly are a handful sometimes. But seriously, was all that back there worth it?"

Ibiki just shrugged and looked down at her with a playful grin.

"But I do appreciate the kind but twisted sentiment that you gave Gai. He really does need someone to call his own. I just wish that I _knew_ someone..." Ayumu looked a head and started to think, scheme, and plan.

_Oh Hell no_...Iruka was one thing, but having Gai being brought into the mix? No way, no how. He was going to cut this burning horse down at the knees and fast.

"Just leave it Ayu, he'll find his own lady his own way."

Ayumu laughed and looked up at Ibiki with shining eyes. She smacked him in the stomach. "You big chicken...You're just afraid of finding Gai at my dinner table some night... Or maybe going on a double date with him and his parolee?"

Ibiki looked nauseous.

Ayumu laughed hysterically.

Ibiki kept wisely silent. That was exactly what he was afraid of. No way did he want the obnoxiously loud bastard showing up in _his_ neighborhood. Thank the god's that no one knew where to look for him. Fuck...if it wasn't one thing it was another with her. He still didn't trust her and he certainly didn't put anything past her. He got the feeling that she wouldn't rest until she found a girlfriend for Matai. Well, probably the best thing to do would be to let this just die a natural death. He would just have to keep her occupied with more interesting and stimulating things to think about...

Ibiki swung her up and around so that she rode piggy back. She squealed in delight and happiness. Her painted toes wiggled in delectation. When he felt her sigh and settle in he let himself smile. He didn't feel regret or embarrassment in what happened in the least. She _wasn't_ a little girl that had to be watched continually, but she _was_ his none the less. And that meant that one of his jobs was to make sure that no male accidentally meandered into his territory. Even if it was under the guise of 'home redecoration'...What a load of _crap_. Well, he couldn't blame the stupid idiot, now could he? She _was_ tempting, and especially when her ire was up.

He hummed happily and hiked her up higher. She was humming a soft, little tune and occasionally giving him little nips on the back of his neck that sent shivers through him. When she laughed softly he knew that she had picked up on his response. He felt her rub her cheek against his and then settle herself back down again by resting her chin on his shoulder.

"You're a _sexy_ fighter Ibiki, has anyone ever told you that? Did they teach you that at The Academy or at ANBU?" Ayumu patted his head as if he was a good puppy. "Or does it just come naturally?"

Ibiki rolled his eyes, and he was glad that she couldn't see it. A _sexy_ fighter? What the hell...He was one of Konoha's _deadliest_ fighters. Here he was one of Konoha's most feared and reputed men, and _this one_ can't see any of that. Oh no...She just sees him as some over-grown sex kitten or something. Good grief. But still, it wasn't t_hat bad_ a moniker to have. It could be worse really. He could be a sexless fighter like Gai. Or an over-sexed fighter like Genma. Or even an unsexy fighter like Iruka. A sexy fighter it was...Not bad! Not bad at all. The girl had good taste after all. She picked him out, didn't she?

Ibiki jiggled Ayumu enough to make her giggle and whistled a jaunty little tune of his own. He replayed his day in his head. It was a pretty productive day if truth be told. He broke a particularly nasty and troublesome spy, then he beat the shit out of Gai, and now he has a sexy woman riding his back. And if things still keep going his way then in a short period of time she'll be riding his front as well... It was a tough job being a strong, smart, sexy, and fighting nin of Konoha. Not many like him could pull it off, and with such grace and talent as well. It was a heavy burden to bear, but one he would have to bear for the good of all. Nothing else could be said really but: what else was was a nin like him to do?

**End A/N:** I always thought that if Head Mistress Miyoki wasn't so much older she would have been a perfect date for Gai...


End file.
